Inadequate by Alicia “Red”

Always seeking the light
From approvals broken flashlight
Where you received love I received like
Where I receive girlfriend you receive wife

It’s enough, right?
To be liked enough to stay with
But not loved enough to commit to

Pieces Shattered of myself with every missed call and ignored message
With every hug I watch and back pat I get

You’re not fat, you’re beautiful
But you’re wearing that?
You smell nice
But who are you trying to impress?
Speaking about feelings are like nails on a chalk board yes I saw you wince
Do I shut up and deal creating a void due to implode or do I “nag” bc communicating and feeling are too real and complacency becomes anger and torment

It started as a child feeling like I could never make my parents proud
Well, my dad said it, but what a role model
And now my partners are the reflection in his mirror
I’m the alarm that you keep hitting snooze on wanting to be heard but you’re angry when you do bc the wake up call was one press too late
That’s my mom in me trying yet again
My fault
Can’t break the cycle
Did you just break the drywall

Almost worse than yelling bc at least it felt like you cared
In whatever substance numbs and makes it easier to sleep

Ah sleep
So peaceful right?
Bye bye day hello yet another restless night
Is this depression?
A health decline?
Or my body trying to tell me I’m wasting mine and someone else’s time?

Don’t let that be real
Don’t let that be fate
I wanna spend my life with you
But you thought about ending it the other day

Abandonment, My favorite
Hello again, dad
Back with that milk and cigarettes finally?
Begging for attention that you think I seek elsewhere
the problem child now the performer
Receiving validation in empty claps and compliments because it’s not you and with my heart in your pocket, I need you to clap too

Is it enough?
Maybe you’ll smile if I wear a disguise
If Real eyes realize real lies
Is it me lying to myself?
Or is it just me over thinking bc I feel