Poems

People have no idea
They don’t see how I’m feeling
But inside I’m dying
I have no idea how I’m dealing

There’s so much pain in my heart
There’s so many bad memories
They haunt me consistently
My mind always goes to extremities

I’ve come to carry a blank face
People are unable to see any emotion
I don’t like people to feel pity for me
Because it creates a big commotion

I’ve thought about different ways out
I have these thoughts most days
I have nobody to turn to
Mostly because nobody stays

The worst part is that I know I need help
But how do you ask?
How could somebody possibly understand
When I’m always wearing a mask?

They’ll say it’s for attention
But I’ve written letters goodbye
So what do I do
When life sounds better in the sky

I don’t know if I can come back from this
It’s never ending, it doesn’t stop
It never goes away, it stays in my thoughts
One day soon I’ll just pop

I don’t want to hurt anybody
But I always want a way out
I don’t know if I can continue
Because I’ll always have a doubt

About whether it’s all worth it
I question this endlessly
I feel I have no purpose
I breeze around pointlessly

Nobody can save me
I hope I’ve left a mark
Because one day
My whole world will go dark

Saying there is a hole
in my heart would imply
you complete me.
No, that isn’t so.

Better for me to say
the space for you remains,
but your belongings are
gone.

You will visit, but not stay.

Hearing my voice echo
off the walls
will take getting used to.
The distance
I made between us
will take getting used to.

My solace will come in
the rearranging,
the redecorating,
the repainting.

My solace is that
I will eventually adapt.

Saying there is a hole
in my heart would imply
you complete me.
No, that isn’t so.

Better for me to say
the space for you remains,
but your belongings are
gone.

You will visit, but not stay.

Hearing my voice echo
off the walls
will take getting used to.
The distance
I made between us
will take getting used to.

My solace will come in
the rearranging,
the redecorating,
the repainting.

My solace is that
I will eventually adapt.

I suppose if I had a positive thought to cancel out each negative thought, i could use that concept to create a lifetime of chasing purpose.
When things get rough, If I could convince myself of a better tomorrow.
When I feel lonely if I could convince myself of having people who love me.
When I get cold If I could convince myself that summer is around the corner.
If I get hungry that I could convince myself to eat,
Or
When I get tired, that I could convince myself to rest.
if I could turn my hopelessness into hopefulness.
If I could just convince myself that there’s these simple solutions to all my problems then I can convince myself to hold on
perhaps
Another day.

Green Light

Echos of your soft soul leave me yearning,
Whispers cascade of your presence,
Broken fragments of flames burning,
The smell of sweet peas and pleasance,

Fostering the mirror of your grace,
Belief that I could soak up your sunshine,
Desiring the warmth within your embrace,
Pondering on the holiness in your divine,

Losing sight of my own truth and belonging,
Fires in my heart intensify through your being,
Growing this unpredictable sense of longing,
For your love so confining yet so freeing

Defiance

Passion pumping through my veins,
delicate flowers under my lace,
feeling the chaos behind the chains,
madness brewing at the taste,

Hunger devouring my senses,
amist the fog, I lost control,
melting away each and every defense,
my heart filled with gold,
remembering that it is whole

Gently it falls
Water drifting on the wind.
Coming to rest like feathers on the warm summer grass.
It makes no sound as gravity reigns.
The cycle, inevitable and undisturbed.

The kingfishers at hunt
Taking their place above the dimpled lake.
Patiently, with strong wings
They need only do what nature asks.

So let it be here.
A request so gentle
In the silence of the storm
With the wisdom of the birds
Where thoughts fade into breath
And worries are carried off on swift wings.

My mother’s skin is
darker than mainland women.
“Are you Japanese?”

As if the island
wasn’t Korean enough
to be considered.

How does something so beautiful
Turn ugly so quickly
How does one moment
Open your eyes so clearly

They say love blinds you
I never thought this to be true
Until I looked in those blue eyes
And was completely consumed

You had me fooled for so long
Made me believe all these things
Only for me to realize
You were crushing my wings

I wanted to fly
I wanted to be free
So I shut you out
And threw away your key

I wanted to find myself
I wanted to be happy
I gave it everything
Hurt myself so badly

I gave you the best parts of me
And what I got in return
Was a sorry excuse for love
So I lit a match and watched us burn.

“Arcadia”

We go now then, the five of us
Across the path stretched out across the green plain
Like a quilt-work blanket spread out for a picnic
We go now, through skies of gulls, and warm summer gusts
And quiet lusts
Past the shrill timbre of cellphones, and haptic feedback
And past team meetings, and Lunch and Learns; In pursuit
Of Serene Intent
With a question of why can’t you Dad, why can’t you Mom take
Time, and time to take now
We go now, we take now, we take now

Out in the big sky that can swallow you whole
We listen to the loud silence with our soul

With our chests full of light, beaming in
cheer and laughter we walk along the path,
with grit and mud, the baby chirps and birds
chirp, and wide-eyed and gleaming,
wonder twirls in her eyes like an
ever-changing kaleidoscope
Being newly created in each blink,
a folding beauty upon itself
And upon itself, dazzling and free
as neurons fire in synchronicity weaving
great webs of delight, I watch the delight and
in a moment, upon a moment
I am young again seeing it again and
a twinkling universe rises in my watery eye,
my hand holding hers as she looks up
To me

“Bird Song, Daddy!”

The Sun bakes us like shriveled dates
ripe with spirit and candy flesh
Our sandals scruff across the path in
metered cacophony like John Cage
Playing the beach path in discordant
swishes and tweaks, bonks, and bleeps
Up the hill, on the left a break in the path
yields an archaic sign with symbology that
Would make the Illuminati blush,
warnings of this and that but harkening to
Respect this fragile world, this fragile minute
with sweat running down our backs
And our children talking about
little hopes of dancing waves,
this chrysalis in time
Becoming a memory in their wide minds,
unfolding iridescent wings to stiffen in the open air
And give way to a flight on wind buffets
to dance merrily along future horizons

On the beach, bones of dead trees,
Bleached and dyed, their skeletal fingers
Playing in the surf, a Rhapsody in Blue
Flocks of gulls, sinuous and lithe,
float down the coast, patterns of
Organic energy (Wu Li) pulsing in tune to the
sky, moon, and earth
With the swaying fronds of the palmetto trees,
perfectly in unison, from the Conductor’s
Unseen hand

On the last day of summer, man, 1991

He was here/ Introducing Carolina’s rightful son/

Through the tears city shaking

Natte know they finally won

For whats to come

Many obstacles/

To prove that he’s the one/

Put him in the jungle/

Make the baby show us that he worth it/

Battle at the bottom

Make him fight and claw up to the surface

Make him mortal

Take his gifts

And put the power in his purpose/

Kill the truth/ until he search it/

Put the shame in all his choices

Stand strong as we stay hopeless

For the day/ that we Rejoice is/

When the visions at its peak/

When the visions fully focused/

When King and crown shall meet

Until then….

Vision Distorted/